T’is the season to be racist

So it’s nearly that time again, when we celebrate with family, get comfy in front of the fire, unwrap gifts we don’t need and drink and eat vulgar amounts of food and alcohol. Oh and it’s now also that time where we become massive racists! 

Tesco has been vilified for depicting a Muslim family enjoying Christmas. Oh Tesco, how very dare you?! Muslims don’t celebrate Christian holidays. Criminal that. Marks and Spencer has had to pull their advert because some dislexic, animal rights activist was convinced the thief in the advert tells Paddington Bear “Fuck you, little bear”, instead of “Thank you, little bear”. Of course the thief says fuck you. Duhh! And that’s clearly animal abuse. 

The children’s celebration of Sinterklaas back in my home country has already been earmarked by an international smear campaign as the most racist yearly event in human history. Zwarte Pieten (aka Black Pete), Saint Nicholas’ helpers, who have blackened faces due to their many trips down the chimney (which begs the question how come Santa isn’t black as night from all the chimney soot) have recently created a racist backlash to such an extent that many people re-enacting the celebration for their children now make sure that Zwarte Piet is no longer black but multicoloured. Just not black. Anything but black. Black = Racist. 

Many people will argue that black Pete isn’t black because of the chimney soot but because the age old celebration stems back to a time when the “Saint” had African American helpers (which vegetarians and gluten intolerant tree huggers like to see as slaves). And this is unacceptable of course. Especially in an age where our 13 year old transgender children shouldn’t have to choose whether they are a girl or a boy. If they want to be a fire spitting dinosaur then society should treat them like a fire spitting dinosaur! 

Next year, I guarantee, the little people (i.e. dwarves and midgets) will stand up and demand everyone boycotts Christmas because it clearly depicts little people as slaves and the animal rights activists will do the same because Rudolp and his buddies are clearly being horrendously mistreated. Working tirelessly through the night, delivering presents to all the children across the world is surely a form of animal torture! It’s an outrage!! Which all means we might be celebrating one of the last Christmases ever this year. And therefore I suggest we ignore all the xenophobes and insecure, righteous jizztrumpets and celebrate the traditional holidays in all their racist, sexist, homophobic glory. 

Veel plezier met Sinterklaas, merry Christmas to everyone (including Muslims) and a happy and healthy 2018!!